20. SPIDERMAN STRIKES BACK (1978)
Is your idea of fun watching Spidey wandering aimlessly around LA and fighting the same two goons (a big seven foot guy and the world's most inept karate henchman) for an hour and half while never getting anywhere near the Burt Reynolds lookalike baddie even in the final bomb-on-a-building climax scene? Well guess what, we've found just the film for you! Oh and by the way, you're an idiot.
19. GENERATION X (1996)
The premise of crossing the X-Men with Harry Potter is a decent one in theory but "Generation X" was just executed so badly that it was untrue. The garish neon sets scream "mid-'90s" like nobody's business, the plotlines are incredibly weak and it also includes the Marvel films' most ultra-irritating (and not in a good way) villain, Matt Frewer's Professor Tresh who comes across like some sort of Lidl Jim Carrey at his most skin-scratchingly irksome. Avoid like the plague.
18. CAPTAIN AMERICA (1979)
The first of a brace of films starring Reb Brown as Steve Rogers Jr, Captain America's son who's taking his dad's legacy forward into the late '70s. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. One of those films where just hardly anything seems to happen for an hour and a half, epitomised by a chief villain whose idea of smuggling a neutron bomb into Los Angeles is to drive there at 50mph in a lorry he's stolen from the chemical plant where Cap just beat up a load of his goons. Face, meet palm...
17. CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990)
At least this one kept close to the script of the classic "Captain America" comics unlike its 1970s predecessors. Unfortunately that's about the only thing it gets right as a terrible plot, atrocious acting (Scott Paulin's ultra-hammy Red Skull only being outdone by Matt Salinger's giant sequoia levels of woodenness as Cap) and a general air of "will this do?" see yet another failure notched up in the Captain America films lineage.
16. HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)
Look, I know some misguided souls think this movie is under-rated and honestly, if it had stuck to the premise of the first half hour or so of Howard trying to settle in Cleveland and adapt to the human universe then it might have been alright. Unfortunately, a series of over-long boring car chase sequences with all the side plots being abandoned in one stroke just kills it stone dead and turns it into a generic cookie-cutter snore-inducing action film. And don't even get me started on Tim Robbins' ridiculous levels of over-acting here. There might just be the potential for a decent film to be made about Marvel's favourite fowl but this is definitely not it.
15. SPIDERMAN: THE DRAGON'S CHALLENGE (1979)
For the first half hour at least this is actually an improvement on the first two '70s Spidey movies as it includes some decent (for the time) action sequences and the basis of a cool-sounding plot involving espionage and poisoning. Unfortunately it's then promptly abandoned as they send Peter Parker and his two friends sightseeing in Hong Kong for the next hour or so with predictably momentum-killing results. Not much of a surprise that it would take 23 years for another Spiderman film to emerge after this mess...
14. THE DEATH OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK (1990)
The first two '80s Hulk films were actually quite decent but unfortunately this one drags and drags like nobody's business. David Banner is trying to find a cure for his condition with the aid of a couple of scientists but a female Russian espionage expert (who isn't technically the Black Widow but, let's be honest, totally is) is trying to steal their research. It would've made a decent TV episode but an hour and a half sees the storyline stretched way beyond breaking point.
13. SPIDERMAN (1977)
Given the constraints of the era it was made in, the first Spidey film is...okay, I s'pose. Nicholas Hammond is engaging enough as Peter Parker (and can't really be blamed for how awful the two sequels were, the fault for that lies squarely with the scriptwriters), it's only really the lack of a decent villain (evil hypnotherapists? Really?) and some seriously unconvincing action sequences that drops this below average.
12. CAPTAIN AMERICA 2: DEATH TOO SOON (1979)
The second film starring Steve Rogers Jr is elevated above its predecessor by two things. Firstly, the presence of Christopher Lee giving the film a believably menacing villain (something that's a real rarity in '70s Marvel efforts) and secondly some enjoyably cheesy action scenes that fall straight into the "so bad they're good" category. Unfortunately it's still a below par effort with lots of padding and not enough action but it's still the best pre-MCU "Captain America" film. Though admittedly, that's a bit like winning a "Tallest Dwarf" contest...
11. RED SONJA (1984)
The third and final instalment in the Conan series, "Red Sonja" is also the weakest of the three films and it's not a surprise that the series was put on ice not long after this (with Marvel relinquishing it altogether a decade later). The action sequences are decent enough (apart from a ridiculous sequence involving Sonja and Conan, sorry, Kalidor fighting a giant metal snake of all things) but when you're relying on Brijitte Nielsen and Arnie to carry the acting load (not to mention some quite suspect anti-feminist messages in the film), you're practically asking for trouble...
10. THE FANTASTIC FOUR (1994)
Put together on a miniscule budget, this '90s take on one of Marvel's most popular comics is actually quite good fun in a low-rent way. Okay so the sideplot involving the Jeweller is absolutely pointless and adds nothing to the film and the special FX are so terrible as to frequently be hilarious but aside from that's it's a passable slice of B-movie buffoonery which might have actually made a decent effort with a bigger budget behind it.
9. NICK FURY: AGENT OF SHIELD (1998)
Rather like the '90s Fantastic Four, this Hoff-starring take on Agents of SHIELD works best if you just don't take it too seriously. Unapologetically cheesy, it's 90 minutes of simple goofball fun although Sandra Hess' ultra-annoying turn as chief villain Viper is second only to Tresh in Generation X for most annoying (in a bad way) pre-noughties Marvel villain. Aside from that though, it's got enough low-budget charm to be just about watchable.
8. DR STRANGE (1978)
Probably the best of the 1970s Marvel films although that honestly isn't saying much, this early Marvel TV movie effort is mostly carried by Jessica Walter who does a good femme fatale routine as the villainous Morgan Le Fay. Although it's spoilt a bit by the stop-start plot progress and a very slow first half (not to mention the constraints of the time period), this version of Dr Strange is at least a reasonably fun hour and a half of retro viewing.
7. THE PUNISHER (1989)
The original "Punisher" film isn't quite the cult classic that some claim although it's not a disaster either. As dark and violent as you'd expect with close to 100 on screen deaths in under an hour and a half (although tame by modern standards), it's an '80s action film by numbers and Dolph Lundgren's acting is as wooden as you'd expect but there's far worse out there.
6. DOCTOR MORDRID (1992)
This was supposed to be a "Dr Strange" reboot but the license expired before the film was released leading Full Moon to simply change the title and release it anyway. It's an enjoyable enough hour and a quarter of low budget fun (including a badly animated fight between dinosaur skeletons!) and there's certainly a lot worse out there.
5. THE TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK (1989)
Hulk meets Daredevil '80s style and the result is a surprisingly enjoyable film. Much darker than its predecessor, "Trial" features good performances from Rex Smith as Matt Murdock and John Rhys-Davies as Wilson Fisk to back up Bill Bixby as David Banner. The only slight drawback is that the plot isn't properly resolved, mainly because the film was supposed to act as the precursor to a "Daredevil" TV series which never happened (well, not until 25 years later anyway). But still, for the time period, this isn't bad at all.
4. CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984)
More swords 'n' sorcery silliness from Arnie as he's enlisted by an evil queen to help the kingdom's princess recover a diamond from an evil sorcerer's lair. Aided by a rag-tag bunch of cohorts, while it may lack the brutality of its predecessor, "Conan The Destroyer" is still a decent hour and a half of old school wizards and warriors action and passes the time nicely enough.
3. CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)
The film which spawned a thousand copycats through the '80s, "Conan The Barbarian" actually still stands up quite well today. Despite some acting that's more wooden than an IKEA furniture warehouse, it's incredibly gory for its time meaning that the action sequences carry the film well. And let's be honest, that's pretty much all you want from a film like this.
2. THE INCREDIBLE HULK RETURNS (1988)
Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno's first outing as David Banner and the Hulk in six years saw them team up with Banner's fellow scientist Donald Blake (Steve Levitt) who's been entrusted with a magic Norse hammer containing the spirit of the mead-drinking fight-loving Viking warrior Thor (Eric Kramer). Well-paced and with enough action and a fun script to ensure that the slightly thin plot isn't too noticeable, "The Incredible Hulk Returns" is an enjoyable TV movie that's perfect for rainy afternoon viewing.
1. MEN IN BLACK (1996)
Pretty much head and shoulders above everything else on this list so far, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones' first outing as the alien investigating task force was a pointer towards what was to come in terms of Marvel spin-off films. With a great plot, loads of awesome one-liners (mostly from Smith) and a suitably evil and disgusting villain (Vincent D'Onofrio playing a slowly decomposing redneck possessed by a giant alien cockroach) and enough enjoyable action sequences and twists and turns to keep you glued to the screen, "Men In Black" comfortably takes the crown as the best film we've covered on the blog so far.
So there you have it. As I've mentioned elsewhere on the blog, we're about to embark into a new territory of the early pre-MCU big-budget Marvel films with the likes of Blade, the Men In Black, the X-Men and the early noughties Spiderman series taking centre stage and there's plenty of stuff in there that I'm looking forward to either revisiting or watching having missed it the first time out. I'll probably do another of these recaps once we get to the first MCU film (2008's "Iron Man") so we can see how things are holding up at that point. In the meantime, I'll see you all on Monday to cover the first "Blade" film in this blog...
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