It's a bit easy to understate just what an influential film "Conan The Barbarian" actually was and it kicked off a swords and sorcery craze among the youth of the time that would last a good decade. If you remember Fighting Fantasy books, the "Heroquest" board game, video games like Gauntlet, Rastan and Golden Axe not to mention films such as "The Princess Bride" and "Willow", well all of that was down to Conan taking the whole thing overground in the early '80s.
Of the team of heroes from the original Conan film, only Conan (Arnie) and the wizard Akiro make a return for this second outing. Obviously Valeria was killed in the first film but Subotai has also gone to be replaced by a new thief companion called Malak, a much more cowardly companion than Subotai who's mostly there for the comic relief. The film opens with a close-up of Arnie in a loincloth (awkward) chilling in the mountains with Malak. Of course, in Conan's world peace never tends to last for very long and the two of them are confronted by a gang of soldiers who are quickly massacred by Conan until their leader Queen Taramis comes forth to explain that she needs Conan's help with a quest. Okay, funny way to do that by letting half of your team of guards get hacked up by a big dude with a sword but hey...
Conan is initially reluctant but Taramis promises that if he helps her then she'll resurrect Valeria which is enough to get him to say yes. They return to Taramis' castle via the town outside with Conan punching his second camel in as many films. Because, y'know, when you're a barbarian you can do that kind of stuff. The quest involves Conan and Malak escorting Taramis' niece Jehnna who is the child chosen in a prophecy to retrieve the horn of the god of dreams Dagoth. However, in order to get through a set of magic flames to the horn, she must first retrieve a jewel which is being held in the castle of an evil wizard. Got all of that?
Taramis also says that the trio will have some back-up in the form of her head guard (and eunuch) Bombaata. However, Bombaata is actually working as a double agent with orders to kill Conan once the horn has been captured.
Realising that even four adventurers are likely to struggle with such a large itinerary of stuff to remember, Conan decides the group need some extra firepower from the old magical side and opts to track down his old ally the wizard Akiro. Unfortunately Akiro has got himself into a spot of bother and has been kidnapped by cannibals who are about to eat him. Conan saves the day including a gratuitous decapitation of one of the headhunters whose body falls on the barbecue. So even though they lost Akiro, the tribe still get something to eat. So everyone's happy.
The group then pass through a village on their way to the wizard's castle where the locals are about to put the leader of a band of raiders Zula (Grace Jones!) to death. Upon Jehnna's insistence, Conan rescues her (or rather severs the chain holding her allowing her to fight her way to safety including the inevitable shot of one of her captors getting a well-placed kick in the nuts). Despite Bombaata's reservations, Conan offers her a place with the team completing the awesome sixsome.
The team reach the wizard's frozen palace which is set in the middle of a lake (cue unconvincing '80s special FX!) and decide to set down and camp there for the night. Unfortunately the wizard (played by Pat Roach aka Bomber from "Auf Wiedersehen Pet") transforms into a giant bird and swoops into the camp kidnapping Princess Jehnna, somehow doing so without actually waking anyone up. Wizardry and all that I guess...
The team set sail for the island to rescue Jehnna and enter through an underwater gate but Conan gets separated from the group in a big chamber full of mirrors where he's ambushed by a troll and forced to participate in a wrestling match with it (seriously, there's some neat moves on there!). However, after getting his arse kicked for a few minutes and realising his sword doesn't damage the creature, Conan ends up breaking one of the mirrors with his sword which wounds the creature. Several more broken mirrors later, he defeats the thing with an impaled Bomber wandering out from behind one of the mirrors and dematerialising in a burst of light.
Jehnna grabs the jewel (she's the only one who can touch it as per the prophecy) and the castle starts to disintegrate leading the group to beat a hasty retreat and the castle to crumble into the lake (cue more hilariously bad '80s special FX). On the way back, they're ambushed by a group of Taramis' guards with Bombataa "inadvertently" colliding with Zula as they try to spring into action leading Conan to have to fight the group off on his own. Conan asks what's going on but Bombataa apologises and says he was just worried Jehnna was going to get hurt.
The team reach the chamber where the horn's being kept in the middle of the mountains (with Jehnna, Malak and Zula having a none-more-awkward conversation about the birds and the bees en route). After Conan manages to open the stone doors via brute strength, Jehnna uses the jewel to walk through the flames surrounding the horn and retrieve it although Akiro is panicked after reading some hieroglyphics in the chamber explaining that according to the legend Jehnna must be sacrificed to Dragoth to allow the god to assume human form although the others dismiss this as superstition.
However, the group are interrupted by a group of Taramis' soldiers turning up and they beat a retreat with Conan and Bombataa hacking a few of 'em up (erm, why is Bombataa attacking his own men rather than blending in with the herd and running off?) Jehnna finds an escape tunnel with her and Bombataa running off up ahead only for the latter to whack the ceiling with his sword causing a cave-in leading to Bombataa riding off ahead with Jehnna back to Taramis' court and the others being trapped in the cave until Conan picks up some rocks and throws them to one side to clear a path out.
The now awesome foursome return to Taramis' castle and gain access via a secret cave under a waterfall that Malak knows about. As they get in, the head priest who was with the soldiers back at the chamber with the horn in it is about to sacrifice Jehnna but Zula manages to impale him with a spear. Elsewhere in the back chamber, Conan battles Bombataa and kills him.
Unfortunately this creates a problem - Jehnna was due to be sacrificed to Dragoth because she was a virgin and therefore pure. Unfortunately, Bombataa and the High Priest weren't "pure" (the former must have misbehaved quite a bit before becoming a eunuch evidently!) and Dragoth turns from being a noble-looking marble statue into a vile and slimy hellbeast (with none other than Andre the Giant in the costume!). He instantly gores Taramis to death then turns his attention to Conan and his crew. However, Conan manages to tear off Dragoth's horn allowing him to finish the beast off.
Post-battle, Jehnna replaces Taramis as queen and appoints Zula as captain of the guard to replace Bombataa, Akiro as her chief advisor to replace the High Priest and Malak as court jester. She offers Conan her hand in marriage and the chance to rule with her but he politely declines and sets off on further adventures. Which we'll discuss in the review of "Red Sonja" next week...
Like the first Conan film, "Conan The Destroyer" is undeniably cheesy and a bit silly with incredibly wooden acting but it's still a fun enough hour and a half of swords and sorcery silliness even if it is a bit toned down compared to its predecessor. For that reason, it doesn't quite displace the first film.at the top of the pile but it runs it close and is certainly far superior to most of the rest of this list. Or at least it will be until we get something genuinely decent coming along anyway...
FINAL RATING: 🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡 6/10
CURRENT MARVEL FILM TABLE
1. Conan The Barbarian (1982) (6/10)
2. Conan The Destroyer (1984) (6/10)
3. Doctor Strange (1978) (5/10)
4. Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (1979) (4/10)
5. Spiderman (1977) (4/10)
6. Spiderman: The Dragon's Challenge (1979) (3/10)
7. Captain America (1979) (2/10)
8. Spiderman Strikes Back (1978) (2/10)
NEXT WEEK: Arnie is back for a third dose of Conan. Except under an alias. And with Brigitte Nielsen in tow. Hmmmm...
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