However, it wasn't always like this. Before Marvel brought the series back in house and gave it a good old Netflix reboot a la Daredevil, the Punisher was largely known for being one of those franchises that people had attempted to repeatedly bring to the silver screen with disappointing results (see also the Fantastic Four and pre-Chris Evans Captain America). Today we're looking at the first of the three Punisher films, released way back in 1989.
So you can imagine the conversation among the director, producer etc when this film got the green light:
"Hey guys, great news, we've got Marvel's permission to do a Punisher film!"
"Awesome, Frank Castle, the all-American vigilante badass! Who shall we get to play him?"
"I know, how about Ivan Drago?"
"I LOVE IT!"
Yes, for reasons best known to themselves it was decided that Dolph Lundgren, fresh from playing the Rooskie baddie in Rocky 4 would be given the job of playing Frank Castle in the first Punisher film. Having said that, if he gets to utter the phrase "If he dies, he dies..." during the film then I'll forgive 'em.
The film starts with a Mafia boss being released from jail and a news reporter asking him if he's worried about being attacked by the Punisher who has apparently bumped off 125 (!) villains in the past five years. The guy laughs it off and goes home to celebrate.
Two minutes later, his henchmen have been bumped off (including a lynching scene which is oddly reminiscent of Richie from "Bottom" in the Christmas special) and his mansion's blown up. Morale of the story - do not mess with the Punisher.
At the crime scene, one of the detectives, Berkowitz, tries to reason with the police chief that Frank Castle is the Punisher but he's dismissed out of hand as the police believe Castle has been dead for five years. However, he's overheard by another detective Leary who also believes this theory and together the two are determined to get to the bottom of the case. During a flashback shortly afterwards, we learn that Castle's family were wiped out in a botched mob hit during with everyone assuming that he had perished in it as well.
Castle also has a sort of henchman called Shake, an English hobo and former actor who's kind of similar to a good guy version of Turk Barratt from Daredevil/Luke Cage. The first time we're introduced to him, we see Castle luring him into a back alley using a whiskey bottle on top of a remote controlled toy truck (!). Shake informs Castle that a large shipment of heroin will be arriving at the docks that night with all five Mafia families dividing up the rewards between them - apparently the Punisher's antics have weakened the mob to the extent that they're now having to co-operate with each other.
Frank turns up in time to see the deal going ahead but before he can open fire, the mobsters are ambushed and wiped out by the Yakuza who attempt to make off with the drugs. Frank takes off after them on his motorcycle and manages to send the van and the narcotics to the bottom of the harbour but is then shot by a Yakuza gunman and falls in the water himself (although we see that he survives and makes his way back to his hideout in the sewers).
The Mafia dons are visited by the Yakuza's leader Lady Tanaka who offers them a 75/25 split on all drugs traffic in New York. The mafiosi reject her outright and she vows to force her decision on them. Cue the children of the dons being kidnapped by Yakuza gangsters.
Shake contacts Castle and tries to persuade him to rescue the kids. Although Castle is initially reluctant (now here would have been the perfect spot for an "if he dies, he dies" line), Shake convinces him. The pair arrive at a deserted fairground on Coney Island where the children are supposed to be being held. Inevitably it turns out to be a trap and after an almighty punch-up, Castle is captured and taken to be tortured with Shake.
Tanaka tries to get information out of Castle but fails so leaves her chief interrogator to finish the job. Unfortunately for him, Castle has managed to unshackle himself and gives the guy a taste of his own medicine, eventually finding out where the children are actually being held. For some reason, the Yakuza bloke appears to be wearing stilettos - not sure what that's about...
Thinking that it's checkmate, all but one of the Mafia dons agree to meet with Tanaka and pay a ransom for their children's release. However, it was a trap with three of the mafiosi being tricked into drinking poisoned champagne and the fourth being shot by Tanaka.
Castle nicks a bus (though he's nice enough to let the wino asleep on the back seat off at his home stop) to go and rescue the kids from the warehouse where they're being held. He gets there just before the kids are due to be sold into slavery to Arabs and rescues them, taking the guards out along the way. However, one of the kids, the son of the remaining surviving Mafia boss Gianni Franco, gets lost during the escape and is recaptured by the Yakuza.
Castle makes his escape from the Orientals with the other kids in the bus with a car chase scene featuring plenty of explosions etc. However, he's stopped at a police blockade - although the kids are rescued, Castle is arrested for his previous murders.
In his cell, he's visited by Berkowitz who it turns out was Castle's protege back when he was a police officer. However, he's not interested in talking and Berkowitz storms off in disgust, later quitting the force. This means that the next day Castle is taken to prison with Leary accompanying him who's angry about Castle's treatment of Berkowitz. However, before they can argue too much the bus is stopped by Franco's men who abduct Castle.
Franco takes Castle back to his headquarters where he apologises for the mafia hit that wiped out his family five years ago and asks for Castle's help in rescuing his son from the Yakuza. Frank tells him to go to hell but it turns out the Mafia have captured Berkowitz. Feeling a bit guilty for his previous treatment of his old buddy, Castle agrees to help Franco.
With a bit of help from Shake, Castle and Franco storm the Yakuza HQ for a big vicious climactic fight scene and shoot, stab and bludgeon their way to the top of the building to rescue Franco's son Tommy. Tanaka is killed with a dagger through the forehead while her assassin daughter has her neck wrung by Castle.
Unsurprisingly though, Franco tries to stab Castle in the back, telling him that now he's helped him wipe out all the other criminal organisations in New York, he's in prime position to clean up, especially if he kills the Punisher as well. The two struggle but in the end Castle gets the fatal shot on Franco. An upset Tommy goes to shoot Castle but can't bring himself to do so. Castle tells Tommy to go away and grow up a good man unlike his father, warning him that if he does otherwise he'll be seeing him again.
It's not awful but the first "Punisher" film is definitely no better than average I'm afraid. It's easy to laugh at Dolph Lundgren's terrible acting but let's be honest, that isn't really the point with films like this and at least it's action-packed enough to just about keep your interest for an hour and a half. As with most of the '80s Marvel films it's very much of its time and although the body count is staggeringly high, compared to...well, the Punisher TV series for a start, the violence is fairly tame by today's standards. However, if you're into no-brainer '80s shoot-'em-up films, there's plenty worse out there I guess...
As we said at the beginning, there would be a couple more Punisher reboots in the early 20th century. But that's another story for another time...
FINAL RATING: 💀💀💀💀💀 (5/10)
CURRENT MARVEL FILM TABLE
1. The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988) (6/10)
2. Conan The Barbarian (1982) (6/10)
3. Conan The Destroyer (1984) (6/10)
4. The Punisher (1989) (5/10)
5. Doctor Strange (1978) (5/10)
6. Red Sonja (1985) (4/10)
7. Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (4/10) (1979)
8. Spiderman (1977) (4/10)
9. Spiderman: The Dragon's Challenge (3/10) (1979)
10. Howard The Duck (1986) (2/10)
11. Captain America (1979) (2/10)
12. Spiderman Strikes Back (1978) (2/10)
NEXT WEEK: Hulk meets Daredevil! Now there's a crossover you didn't see coming...
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