Well, two ways actually - firstly get the team who messed up the cinematic version of Daredevil so badly a few years previously (to wit, director Mark Steven Johnson) in to handle it. And secondly, giving the title role of the badass demon biker to...erm, Nicolas Cage. Now, I'll hold my hands up here and admit it straight off the bat - Nicolas Cage is one of those actors who just genuinely annoys me mainly because he only seems to have one facial expression and one tone of voice which is that of a man who's just emerged from three months stuck on the north face of Everest and then been kicked in the nuts. Back when I was at Uni, we used to have a running joke where if someone said they were watching one of Mr Cage's films, the response was "Oh, has he been out-acted by his own jacket again then?" However, I'll grudgingly admit that he's been in the odd film that I've actually liked down the years ("Face/Off", "The Rock", even "The Family Man" was a nice enough Christmas rom-com) so maybe "Ghost Rider" is one of those films like "Elektra" or "Blade Trinity" that isn't quite as bad as everyone remembers. Oh well, here we go...
* - Oh yeah, just in case you were wondering, the Daredevil and Silver Surfer films were the other two that made me angry at the time. Just wanted to clear that up. Actually, if you read the review a few weeks ago, you'll know that Daredevil still pretty much does make me angry. Anyway...
The story begins with a bit of background on the story of the Ghost Riders, a long line of bounty hunters employed by the Devil to bring him the souls of the wayward. Apparently in the 19th century, one of the Riders was ordered by Mephistopheles (as the Devil's known in this film) to bring him the contract of Verganza with 1000 corrupt souls captured within its fabric. Sensing the trouble that this could bring, the rider went rogue and ran away into the desert.
Some time later in 1986, Johnny Blaze is a teenager training to be a motorbike stuntman under his dad Barton. However, Johnny has grown tired of the carnie life and has decided to elope with his girlfriend Roxanne (whose dad doesn't approve of Johnny and is about to send her away to boarding school to separate the pair) to start a new life away from the circus.
The night before he's due to leave, Johnny discovers a document from the local surgery in the bin to his dad informing him that he has advanced throat cancer from smoking too many cigs and only has a few months left to live. Devastated, he goes out to work on his bike where he's approached by Mephistopheles (played by the original Easy Rider Peter Fonda in a nice touch to biker film continuity). Mephistopheles offers to cure Barton of his cancer if Johnny agrees to sign up to become a Ghost Rider and Johnny accepts.
The next day, Johnny's dad is cured and Johnny explains his plans to him. Although Barton's disappointed, he understands. However, just as Johnny's leaving the fairground, he hears a crowd sound from inside the stunt track - his dad's stunt has gone wrong and he's been killed after falling into the flames he was supposed to be jumping over. Johnny speeds off trying to find Mephistopheles and realises he's been duped and must now live the life of a loner on the road with no friends or family until his calling comes. Roxanne is waiting for him at the tree we saw them at earlier but Johnny drives straight past her and off into eternity...
Twenty one years later and Johnny has grown into a world-renowned stunt biker, unaware that his seeming immortality (surviving Evel Knievel like crashes) is due to Mephistopheles watching over him. He's unexpectedly reunited with Roxy (played by Eva Mendes) when she turns up as a local news reporter to cover one of his stunts where he's due to jump over six helicopters across a football field. Against the expectations of pretty much everyone, he nails the stunt then drives off after Roxanne to ask her out on a dinner date as an apology for leaving her so suddenly all those years ago (cue some of the clunkiest dialogue you've heard outside of...well, the last Nicolas Cage film you saw).
However, just as Johnny's about to jump on his bike and set off for the restaurant that evening, he's visited by Mephistopheles who informs him that he's cashing in his favour as his son, a rogue demon names Blackheart (think a poor man's Lucifer Morningstar), has come to earth assisted by three elementals (earth elemental Gressil, air elemental Abigor and water elemental Wallow), to steal the contract of Verganza and gain the power to overthrow Mephistopheles. Blaze refuses but Mephistopheles informs him he doesn't have a choice and transforms him into the demon biker Ghost Rider with a flaming skull for a head and a cool chrome demon bike.
Ghost Rider tracks down Blackheart and his gang to a warehouse where a fight ensues. Gressil crushes the Rider with a truck but he survives and uses a chain to ensnare the earth elemental before burning him into ashes using his flames while the others escape. Afterwards, he catches a local thug attempting to rob and murder a punk girl (a pre-fame Rebel Wilson) in the subway and kills him using the Penance Stare which makes his victims subject to all the pain they have inflicted on others in their life.
The next morning, Ghost Rider pulls into a graveyard and turns back into Blaze. The gravedigger there (Sam Elliott, who we last saw playing Thunderbolt Ross in the Ang Lee version of Hulk) finds him and nurses him back to health, revealing en route that he knows the legend of the Ghost Riders and explains it to Johnny. He warns him that the curse will take a hold of him at night, especially if he is in the company of evil people.
Johnny returns to the city and attempts to apologise to Roxanne for bailing on their date by explaining the situation but understandably she thinks he's nuts and leaves. As he steps out into the street after her, he's apprehended by the police who found his bike's numberplate at the scene of the crime. Night has now fallen and although Johnny's curse hasn't hit yet due to him having been around lawful people, that all changes when he's chucked in the cells for the night. When the crims in the cells attempt to beat him up, Ghost Rider makes an appearance and batters the living daylights out of them before escaping.
Chasing after Blackheart, the Rider quickly finds himself tailed by police and escapes by riding his bike up the side of a high rise, breaking the windows as he goes! On the roof, he's confronted by Abigor the air elemental who he defeats in a brief fight. Quick pointer here btw, the elemental fight sequences in this film are a real disappointment. There was some good potential there to have some proper fire vs earth/wind/water epic battles here but all of them just seem to be over in a matter of a minute or so. Wasted opportunity methinks.
Roxy has seen the Ghost Rider on his chase and realises it's Johnny. She heads back to his flat where she meets his agent Mack and the pair quickly start to go through Johnny's demonology books in the hope of finding a cure for him. Meanwhile, Blaze has returned to the graveyard where he learns that the gravedigger there is Carter Slade, the previous Ghost Rider who stole the contract of Verganza. Slade informs him that Blackheart will be hunting down his friends and Johnny quickly returns to his flat only to find Mack slain and Roxy kidnapped with Blackheart promising to release the latter if Johnny brings him the contract.
Johnny returns to the cemetery and persuades Carter to give him the contract. The pair suit up and head off to the town of San Verganza where Blackheart has taken Roxy. Cue a really cool sequence of the biker and cowboy Ghost Riders going hell for leather down the highway alongside each other to "Ghost Riders In The Sky" playing in the background. Once they get there, Carter informs Johnny that this was his last ride, gives him the shotgun and the contract and wishes him well before fading into the dawn light.
Johnny heads for the ruined temple in the ghost town centre, en route having another disappointingly quick and easy battle with the water elemental Wallow who he sees off without too much trouble. Blackheart agrees to release Roxy and Blaze hands over the contract which allows the demon to absorb 1000 souls and take on a new identity Legion (basically the same as before but with red eyes). Dawn has now broken meaning Blaze is unable to transform into Ghost Rider - however, he lures Legion into the shadows allowing him to transform into his demon alter ego and finish off the beast with his Penance Stare which sees Blackheart tormented by all the misdoings of the thousand sould within him.
As Blackheart falls to the ground incapacitated, Mephistopheles appears to thank Johnny and rid him of his curse but Johnny refuses, saying he's going to use the curse against the Devil and help the forces of good much to the latter's anger. Johnny and Roxy drive back to their old dating haunt by the fairground to say one last goodbye before Johnny drives off into the sunset with a trail of flames behind him.
The nicest thing I can honestly think to say about Ghost Rider is at least it's entertainingly terrible in places but there's no denying that this is a dumb, cheesy klutzfest of a film. Its one saving grace is some really cool visuals, especially the bits where the Ghost Rider appears. Unfortunately that can't make up for a clunky script, some seriously wooden acting (not least Cage and Mendes as the leads - I'd admittedly expect it of the former but Mendes has definitely shown down the years that she can do a lot better than this) and the fact that the bits between the action sequences just drag and drag and drag (this is definitely a film they could've comfortably lopped 20-30 minutes off without any problems). Even worse, the final fight is a bit of an anticlimax and, as I've already said, the elemental fights are a real wasted opportunity and are just made to look way too easy. Admittedly while this isn't quite as bad as the butcher job that Mark Steven Johnson did on Daredevil, it definitely shares a lot of that film's shortcomings.
Despite awful reviews, "Ghost Rider" actually did well enough at the box office to justify a sequel being made (2012's "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance") which somehow managed to be even worse than the first film. But that's another angstfest for another time. As for this, I do still believe there's the potential for a really good "Ghost Rider" film to be made (c'mon, if somebody went down the "Sons of Anarchy with demons and flaming skulls" route, don't try and pretend you wouldn't want to see it!) but unfortunately this is just a cack-handed effort at a film and, sorry to say, can be safely skipped.
FINAL RATING: 🏍🏍🏍 (3/10)
CURRENT MARVEL FILM TABLE
1. Spiderman 2 (2004) (9/10)
2. Spiderman (2002) (9/10)
3. X-Men 2 (2002) (8/10)
4. Men In Black (1997) (8/10)
5. X-Men (2000) (8/10)
6. Blade 2 (2001) (7/10)
7. Blade (1998) (7/10)
8. The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988) (6/10)
9. The Punisher (2004) (6/10)
10. Conan The Barbarian (1982) (6/10)
11. Elektra (2005) (6/10)
12. Conan The Destroyer (1984) (6/10)
13. The Trial Of The Incredible Hulk (1989) (6/10)
14. X-Men: Last Stand (2006) (6/10)
15. Blade Trinity (2004) (6/10)
16. Men In Black 2 (2000) (6/10)
17. The Incredible Hulk (1977) (5/10)
18. The Fantastic Four (2005) (5/10)
19. Doctor Mordrid (1992) (5/10)
20. The Punisher (1989) (5/10)
21. Doctor Strange (1978) (5/10)
22. Nick Fury: Agent Of SHIELD (1998) (4/10)
23. The Fantastic Four (1994) (4/10)
24. Hulk (2003) (4/10)
25. Red Sonja (1985) (4/10)
26. Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (1979) (4/10)
27. Spiderman (1977) (4/10)
28. Ghost Rider (2007) (3/10)
29. Bride of the Incredible Hulk (1978) (3/10)
30. The Death Of The Incredible Hulk (1990) (3/10)
31. Man-Thing (2005) (3/10)
32. Return of the Incredible Hulk (1978) (3/10)
33. Spiderman: The Dragon's Challenge (1979) (3/10)
34. Howard The Duck (1986) (2/10)
35. Captain America (1990) (2/10)
36. Captain America (1979) (2/10)
37. Generation X (1996) (2/10)
38. Spiderman Strikes Back (1978) (2/10)
39. Daredevil (2003) (2/10)
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