Wrong. That would be the Wonder Woman series that started in 1975. The TV movie we're reviewing today was a slightly earlier effort starring Cathy Lee Crosby rather than Lynda Carter and follows a decidedly different storyline from both the comics and the subsequent series. It was run as a one-off special with the aim of launching a regular series but a combination of lukewarm viewing figures and reviews gave WB cold feet and the whole thing was nixed and subsequently rebooted the following year. So...lost classic or deserved obscurity? Well, there's only one way to find out...
The story begins with Diana leaving her home of Paradise Island (which basically looks like a shed with some pot plants and background drawings where they've smeared the camera lens with vaseline) to start her new life and her mother, the Queen, explains that there is a prophecy for one Amazon to go forth into this world and carry the mantle of Wonder Woman.
We cut forward an unspecified amount of time to see Diana now working as the secretary for CIA agent Steve Trevor. Apparently a number of codebooks have been stolen in recent days (which we see in the intro of the film) containing the names and identities of all of the CIA's secret agents and these now need to be recovered before something bad happens. We know that the man behind the operation was a double agent called George who we see taking the books off his operatives before promptly shooting them when they go to the bar for a drink afterwards.
Although it isn't explicitly stated, it appears that in this version, Steve knows that Diana is Wonder Woman as after a coded conversation, she jets off to France to follow on a lead. Sure enough she soon runs into George who we see arguing with his boss Mr Smith. George wants to off Wonder Woman before she can interfere with the operation but Smith just wants to take her hostage. To this end, George ends up asking Diana out for a date in the restaurant where he appears to have taken his fashion tips from early '70s Jim Bowen. I mean, I know this actually was the early '70s but...
Diana understandably turns down George's advances and goes outside to ring Steve only for a car to drive straight at the phone box which she avoids by backflipping up on to a shop canopy! The villains subsequently try to capture her by luring her into Smith's mansion and locking the gates which she promptly uses her bracelets to blow the electricity and unlock and then try to attack her in her hotel room which leads to George and his two goons being beaten up with about one punch each. Hmm, somebody needs to work on being a more effective villain...
Wonder Woman returns to New York only for George to sabotage her flat by putting a snake in a box under her sofa. Again, Diana manages to foil his plot by getting one of the janitors to put a saucer of milk out for the snake which gets it off her leg. George and Mr Smith make her an offer to join their operation but she refuses and heads back to Washington. En route, she runs into another of the Amazons who is on the mainland undercover and warns her that one of her old sparring partners, Angela, has gone rogue and come to the mainland.
Back in Steve Trevor's office, it turns out that Smith has sent him a donkey! He's under instructions to put the ransom money for the books in its saddlebags and take it to a deserted village in Nevada before releasing it. To make sure the bureau can keep a track of it, he puts a transmitter on each of its hooves.
Diana finally shows up as Wonder Woman after Steve and his deputy release the donkey - however, she looks more like a female version of the Reb Brown version of Captain America rather than the outfit she's better known for wearing. She tails the donkey to a house in the town only for it to be sealed in a chamber and a machine to deactivate the hooves - when the lights come on again, the donkey is gone! Diana wanders into the room herself and only just escapes the old Bond favourite "being crushed by a wall" death.
Smith has sent George and his newest recruit Angela (the rogue Amazon referred to earlier) to pick up the donkey but when it turns up, Wonder Woman is riding it! Angela attempts to spear her off the beast with her javelin but Diana plucks the spear out of the air and throws it back at her! The two Amazons duly have a fight during which George escapes with the donkey. We learn that Diana and Angela both came up through warrior school together and that Diana saved Angela's life once. However, Diana managed to get the Wonder Woman job ahead of Angela which has led to the latter going rogue through jealousy and now being out to kill Diana. However, Diana wins the duel and spares Angela's life after she tells her the location of Smith's base. Angela warns Diana afterwards that her debt is now repaid and that if they run into each other again then Diana won't be so lucky. Presumably that part of the plot would have been picked up in the series but obviously the series never happened...
Diana arrives at the base just in time to witness an argument between Smith and George. We also find out that Smith is played by the late Ricardo Montalban! (Planet of the Apes, Star Trek, Fantasy Island). It turns out he's taken a shine to Diana and shows her around his base including the helipad while explaining his evil plan in true wannabe Bond villain style. However, while his back's turned Diana uses her bracelet to blow up the helipad and escape with the books and the money. Unfortunately she then takes a wrong turn into a dead end allowing Smith to seal her in with a portcullis and make off with the money.
The gang quickly turn on each other with George shooting his two goons then turning the gun on Smith as he attempts to escape via dinghy down an underground river. However, Smith sprays him with gas causing him to fall in the river and drown before making off with the loot.
Having climbed over the portcullis using her escape rope, Wonder Woman manages to find a motorbike and takes off after Smith on it. She intercepts him midway down the river, dives in, climbs onto his boat and apprehends him without a struggle. The word "anticlimax" springs to mind. The film ends with Diana reporting back in to work with Steve the following Monday.
Sorry to say but it's a bit obvious from watching this why the original pitch for a Wonder Woman series was never picked up and why DC subsequently decided to go back to the drawing board on it the following year. This version is unfortunately very similar to the '70s Marvel TV movies we covered a few months ago - slow (especially with the almost total lack of action sequences), wooden acting (Crosby and Montalban do their best but the other characters are instantly forgettable), thin script and lots of padding. Add on the decidedly anticlimactic ending to the film and unfortunately this one well and truly goes to the bottom of the league so far as it's way below average even by '70s standards (however, I think it's safe to say that we'll almost certainly encounter worse before this whole thing is through). Cathy Lee Crosby would actually go on to forge a fairly successful career as a television actress in subsequent years but none of the other actors here (apart from the obvious exception of Montalban) would do anything of much note after this and it's not exactly hard to understand why. As mentioned earlier though, DC would give the series a rapid reboot the following year with decidedly more successful results and we'll see how all that panned out next week...
FINAL RATING: 🌟🌟🌟 (3/10)
DC LEAGUE TABLE
1. Batman (1966) (8/10)
2. Superman and the Mole Men (1951) (5/10)
3. Wonder Woman (1974) (3/10)
NEXT WEEK: Maybe the quickest reboot in comic book crossover history? We look at the '70s version of Wonder Woman that everybody's more familiar with...
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