Marvel Mondays Recap Parts 1-20 (Or 1977-98: The B-Movie Years!)

So as we're now twenty instalments into Marvel Monday, I thought it would be a good time for a quick recap of what we've seen so far. Also, to give anyone new to this a nice quick reference point to catch up on. At the moment, we've covered the Marvel films from 1977's "Spiderman" (the first live action Marvel film of the modern era to all intents and purposes) up to 1998's "Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD" (the last one before "Blade" which pretty much ushered in the era of big budget Marvel films) and I thought a good way would be to count down the current rankings from worst to best with a link to the review and a few words on each. Ready? Okay, here we go...

20. SPIDERMAN STRIKES BACK (1978)

Is your idea of fun watching Spidey wandering aimlessly around LA and fighting the same two goons (a big seven foot guy and the world's most inept karate henchman) for an hour and half while never getting anywhere near the Burt Reynolds lookalike baddie even in the final bomb-on-a-building climax scene? Well guess what, we've found just the film for you! Oh and by the way, you're an idiot.

19. GENERATION X (1996)

The premise of crossing the X-Men with Harry Potter is a decent one in theory but "Generation X" was just executed so badly that it was untrue. The garish neon sets scream "mid-'90s" like nobody's business, the plotlines are incredibly weak and it also includes the Marvel films' most ultra-irritating (and not in a good way) villain, Matt Frewer's Professor Tresh who comes across like some sort of Lidl Jim Carrey at his most skin-scratchingly irksome. Avoid like the plague.

18. CAPTAIN AMERICA (1979)

The first of a brace of films starring Reb Brown as Steve Rogers Jr, Captain America's son who's taking his dad's legacy forward into the late '70s. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. One of those films where just hardly anything seems to happen for an hour and a half, epitomised by a chief villain whose idea of smuggling a neutron bomb into Los Angeles is to drive there at 50mph in a lorry he's stolen from the chemical plant where Cap just beat up a load of his goons. Face, meet palm...

17. CAPTAIN AMERICA (1990)

At least this one kept close to the script of the classic "Captain America" comics unlike its 1970s predecessors. Unfortunately that's about the only thing it gets right as a terrible plot, atrocious acting (Scott Paulin's ultra-hammy Red Skull only being outdone by Matt Salinger's giant sequoia levels of woodenness as Cap) and a general air of "will this do?" see yet another failure notched up in the Captain America films lineage.

16. HOWARD THE DUCK (1986)

Look, I know some misguided souls think this movie is under-rated and honestly, if it had stuck to the premise of the first half hour or so of Howard trying to settle in Cleveland and adapt to the human universe then it might have been alright. Unfortunately, a series of over-long boring car chase sequences with all the side plots being abandoned in one stroke just kills it stone dead and turns it into a generic cookie-cutter snore-inducing action film. And don't even get me started on Tim Robbins' ridiculous levels of over-acting here. There might just be the potential for a decent film to be made about Marvel's favourite fowl but this is definitely not it.

15. SPIDERMAN: THE DRAGON'S CHALLENGE (1979)

For the first half hour at least this is actually an improvement on the first two '70s Spidey movies as it includes some decent (for the time) action sequences and the basis of a cool-sounding plot involving espionage and poisoning. Unfortunately it's then promptly abandoned as they send Peter Parker and his two friends sightseeing in Hong Kong for the next hour or so with predictably momentum-killing results. Not much of a surprise that it would take 23 years for another Spiderman film to emerge after this mess...

14. THE DEATH OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK (1990)

The first two '80s Hulk films were actually quite decent but unfortunately this one drags and drags like nobody's business. David Banner is trying to find a cure for his condition with the aid of a couple of scientists but a female Russian espionage expert (who isn't technically the Black Widow but, let's be honest, totally is) is trying to steal their research. It would've made a decent TV episode but an hour and a half sees the storyline stretched way beyond breaking point.

13. SPIDERMAN (1977)

Given the constraints of the era it was made in, the first Spidey film is...okay, I s'pose. Nicholas Hammond is engaging enough as Peter Parker (and can't really be blamed for how awful the two sequels were, the fault for that lies squarely with the scriptwriters), it's only really the lack of a decent villain (evil hypnotherapists? Really?) and some seriously unconvincing action sequences that drops this below average.

12. CAPTAIN AMERICA 2: DEATH TOO SOON (1979)

The second film starring Steve Rogers Jr is elevated above its predecessor by two things. Firstly, the presence of Christopher Lee giving the film a believably menacing villain (something that's a real rarity in '70s Marvel efforts) and secondly some enjoyably cheesy action scenes that fall straight into the "so bad they're good" category. Unfortunately it's still a below par effort with lots of padding and not enough action but it's still the best pre-MCU "Captain America" film. Though admittedly, that's a bit like winning a "Tallest Dwarf" contest...

11. RED SONJA (1984)

The third and final instalment in the Conan series, "Red Sonja" is also the weakest of the three films and it's not a surprise that the series was put on ice not long after this (with Marvel relinquishing it altogether a decade later). The action sequences are decent enough (apart from a ridiculous sequence involving Sonja and Conan, sorry, Kalidor fighting a giant metal snake of all things) but when you're relying on Brijitte Nielsen and Arnie to carry the acting load (not to mention some quite suspect anti-feminist messages in the film), you're practically asking for trouble...

10. THE FANTASTIC FOUR (1994)

Put together on a miniscule budget, this '90s take on one of Marvel's most popular comics is actually quite good fun in a low-rent way. Okay so the sideplot involving the Jeweller is absolutely pointless and adds nothing to the film and the special FX are so terrible as to frequently be hilarious but aside from that's it's a passable slice of B-movie buffoonery which might have actually made a decent effort with a bigger budget behind it.

9. NICK FURY: AGENT OF SHIELD (1998)

Rather like the '90s Fantastic Four, this Hoff-starring take on Agents of SHIELD works best if you just don't take it too seriously. Unapologetically cheesy, it's 90 minutes of simple goofball fun although Sandra Hess' ultra-annoying turn as chief villain Viper is second only to Tresh in Generation X for most annoying (in a bad way) pre-noughties Marvel villain. Aside from that though, it's got enough low-budget charm to be just about watchable.

8. DR STRANGE (1978)

Probably the best of the 1970s Marvel films although that honestly isn't saying much, this early Marvel TV movie effort is mostly carried by Jessica Walter who does a good femme fatale routine as the villainous Morgan Le Fay. Although it's spoilt a bit by the stop-start plot progress and a very slow first half (not to mention the constraints of the time period), this version of Dr Strange is at least a reasonably fun hour and a half of retro viewing.

7. THE PUNISHER (1989)

The original "Punisher" film isn't quite the cult classic that some claim although it's not a disaster either. As dark and violent as you'd expect with close to 100 on screen deaths in under an hour and a half (although tame by modern standards), it's an '80s action film by numbers and Dolph Lundgren's acting is as wooden as you'd expect but there's far worse out there.

6. DOCTOR MORDRID (1992)

This was supposed to be a "Dr Strange" reboot but the license expired before the film was released leading Full Moon to simply change the title and release it anyway. It's an enjoyable enough hour and a quarter of low budget fun (including a badly animated fight between dinosaur skeletons!) and there's certainly a lot worse out there.

5. THE TRIAL OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK (1989)

Hulk meets Daredevil '80s style and the result is a surprisingly enjoyable film. Much darker than its predecessor, "Trial" features good performances from Rex Smith as Matt Murdock and John Rhys-Davies as Wilson Fisk to back up Bill Bixby as David Banner. The only slight drawback is that the plot isn't properly resolved, mainly because the film was supposed to act as the precursor to a "Daredevil" TV series which never happened (well, not until 25 years later anyway). But still, for the time period, this isn't bad at all.

4. CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984)

More swords 'n' sorcery silliness from Arnie as he's enlisted by an evil queen to help the kingdom's princess recover a diamond from an evil sorcerer's lair. Aided by a rag-tag bunch of cohorts, while it may lack the brutality of its predecessor, "Conan The Destroyer" is still a decent hour and a half of old school wizards and warriors action and passes the time nicely enough.

3. CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982)

The film which spawned a thousand copycats through the '80s, "Conan The Barbarian" actually still stands up quite well today. Despite some acting that's more wooden than an IKEA furniture warehouse, it's incredibly gory for its time meaning that the action sequences carry the film well. And let's be honest, that's pretty much all you want from a film like this.

2. THE INCREDIBLE HULK RETURNS (1988)

Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno's first outing as David Banner and the Hulk in six years saw them team up with Banner's fellow scientist Donald Blake (Steve Levitt) who's been entrusted with a magic Norse hammer containing the spirit of the mead-drinking fight-loving Viking warrior Thor (Eric Kramer). Well-paced and with enough action and a fun script to ensure that the slightly thin plot isn't too noticeable, "The Incredible Hulk Returns" is an enjoyable TV movie that's perfect for rainy afternoon viewing.

1. MEN IN BLACK (1996)

Pretty much head and shoulders above everything else on this list so far, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones' first outing as the alien investigating task force was a pointer towards what was to come in terms of Marvel spin-off films. With a great plot, loads of awesome one-liners (mostly from Smith) and a suitably evil and disgusting villain (Vincent D'Onofrio playing a slowly decomposing redneck possessed by a giant alien cockroach) and enough enjoyable action sequences and twists and turns to keep you glued to the screen, "Men In Black" comfortably takes the crown as the best film we've covered on the blog so far.

So there you have it. As I've mentioned elsewhere on the blog, we're about to embark into a new territory of the early pre-MCU big-budget Marvel films with the likes of Blade, the Men In Black, the X-Men and the early noughties Spiderman series taking centre stage and there's plenty of stuff in there that I'm looking forward to either revisiting or watching having missed it the first time out. I'll probably do another of these recaps once we get to the first MCU film (2008's "Iron Man") so we can see how things are holding up at that point. In the meantime, I'll see you all on Monday to cover the first "Blade" film in this blog...

Marvel Mondays #20 - Nick Fury: Agent Of SHIELD (1998)

In a way, "Nick Fury - Agent of SHIELD" marks the end of an era on this blog. This is probably the last of the low-rent Marvel cash-ins that comprised the majority of the Marvel cinematic output for the 20-plus years prior to its release. However, by the late '90s, times were changing and the success of Men In Black, Blade and the X-Men films meant that all of a sudden Hollywood was seeing the value in comic book tie-ins. As a result, a lot more quality control began to be exercised and Marvel became a lot more picky about who they would license their films to, eventually bringing the operation in house with the creation of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As a result, the whole Marvel B-movie genre pretty much died off - looking at what's to come on this blog, the only thing that really falls into that category after this film is 2005's "Man Thing" and even that was actually shot in the mid-'90s before being buried for a decade.

Anyway, at least we're going out with a bang here. We all know Nick Fury these days as Samuel L Jackson in the Avengers films and "Agents of SHIELD" as one of the more long-standing television series in the Marvel universe (one that divides opinion but which I'll admit I quite like). However, before SLJ and before the days of big money, the role was played by...the Hoff! Yup, "Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD" stars none other than David Hasselhoff in the title role. Had this been five years earlier, this would have probably been quite a big deal but bear in mind that it was a good three or four years since "Baywatch"'s commercial peak here...oh well, only sixteen years to go till "Hoff The Record" eh folks?... (for any non-Brits who haven't seen this comedy series featuring the Hoff starring as a washed-up version of himself repeatedly trying and failing to resurrect his acting career in London, do yourselves a favour and track it down, it's brilliant. Seriously.)

Anyway, the film starts with a couple of SHIELD guards in a defence base, one of whom ONLY SEEMS TO TALK BY SHOUTING! When HYDRA agents suddenly storm the building without warning, his war cry on going into battle consists of him yelling "LET US ROCK AND LET US ROLL!". Yup, no expense spared with the dialogue here.

It turns out the HYDRA soldiers are here under the leadership of Andrea von Strucker aka Viper, the daughter of their original leader Baron von Strucker and her brother Werner (who's a dead ringer for the football pundit Robbie Savage) with the aim of rescuing his frozen body so they can defrost it and bring their long-dead leader back to life. Inevitably, shouty boy quickly goes down in a hail of bullets. Incidentally, in the tradition of '90s Marvel villains who take the whole over-acting thing to ridiculous levels leading you to wish they'd just sod off, Sandra Hess who plays Viper is another case in point with a ridiculously put-on cod-German accent that grates on you every time you sodding hear it.

Anyway, with word about the base having fallen reaching SHIELD HQ, it's decided that they need to call out a wild card and try and bring retired director Nick Fury out of the self-imposed exile he's been in during the Cold War. Two agents, young Brit Alex Pearce and Fury's old deputy Valentina de Fontaine are dispatched to find him. As it turns out, he's been living in a cave in the Yukon for the previous seven years and intially wants nothing to do with the operation until they tell him that shouty guy was in fact one of his old mates Cley Quartermaine which persuades him to sign on for the mission. If you remember the old Punt and Dennis skit "A Man Called Martin"...well, it's safe to say that this isn't a million miles away. "I knew Kropotkin wasn't dead. And that could mean only one thing. That he was still alive..."

Discussing the mission with Pearce on the plane (during which Hoff offers the immortal line "Relax kid, I'm just blowin' smoke up your hoo-haa"), it turns out that HYDRA have developed a virus called the Death's Head and are planning to unleash it on Manhattan. Arriving on the SHIELD airbase, Fury is instantly at odds with the current by-the-book SHIELD commander Pincer although he gets on a bit better with his deputy "Dum-Dum" Duggan. Oh and also in this version of Marvel, SHIELD apparently stands for Supreme Headquarters International Espionage Law Enforcement Division. Which actually makes it SHIELED but hey, never mind, it's not like it's a key part of the film's title or anything. Oh wait a sec...

Fury's team also includes a psychic named Kate and it turns out they're building a robo-Nick in the lab to which Fury comes up with the immortal line "I don't know whether to congratulate you or put a stake through it's heart". It turns out that HYDRA are looking for Arnim Zola, the man who was originally behind the Death's Head virus and is now living in a SHIELD safe house in Berlin meaning Nick and his crew are promptly dispatched off to find him. The plan is for them to meet an Interpol agent there, get Kate to read Zola's mind to find out more about the virus and then set about locating the Von Strucker siblings...

Arriving in Berlin, they meet up with Gail, their agent, outside a gallery (including a sequence where Hoff gets carried away quoting Shakespeare as part of the codeword...again, see "A Man Called Martin") and arrive at Zola's safe house by running through an illusion wall midway through a subway tunnel. Zola isn't about to talk much so they get Kate to do a mind read on him which results in a graphic "world destruction" sequence that must have taken all of ten minutes to put together on the Atari ST they had in the office...

Gail and Nick go upstairs to talk strategy which ends up with her kissing him (sample dialogue - Gail: "Is it true what women say about you?", Hoff: "Well, that depends on whether you're talking about one of my ex-wives or my mother...") However, it was all a trap and it turns out that Gail was in fact Viper in disguise and the kiss has now infected Fury with the Death's Head virus. D'oh...

Fury comes back round at the base where it turns out that HYDRA stormed the safe house and kidnapped Zola. Fury is put into a chamber to be de-radiated but gets out to find that the villains have incapacitated Pincer and replaced him with a robot who promptly relays an electronic message from HYDRA prior to exploding!

SHIELD set up a conference with the US President who looks scarily like Tory wingnut Jacob Rees-Mogg. Eesh, that might just be the most terrifying thing in this film so far... It turns out that the real Interpol inspector who was supposed to be meeting Nick in Berlin has been dropped off at a Berlin hospital and brought on board the SHIELD aircraft carrier. If you remember that episode of "Friends" where Joey's playing a plague victim in a film ("Can't you see what's happening here? This man is DEAD!"), well it's kind of similar to that. Despite being told that he hasn't yet fully recovered from the virus, Fury goes against Pincer's orders and sets off to find SHIELD's lair with Kate and Pearce in tow while Val takes a couple of agents to Manhattan to search for HYDRA's launch site for the virus...

After searching around the Aleutian mountains in their plane, Nick and his team realise they're right over the base when a couple of heat-seeking missiles suddenly appear. They bail out and land just outside the base, getting into a fight with HYDRA's goons which allows Hoff (or rather his stuntman) to show off his karate moves. However, the team are ultimately captured and thrown into a cell by Viper who appears to have now decided to disguise herself as an evil version of Princess Jasmine from Aladdin...

Back in New York, it turns out that Werner and his team decided to store their missiles in a converted bin lorry! For once, I have no words... Also, the bloke playing Werner appears to be doing an impersonation of Richie from "Bottom" impersonating Hans Gruber from "Die Hard". And if you're looking at his henchman without the words "What are the scores, George Dawes!" going through your head then you're doing better than me...

Back in the Aleutians, Nick and his team escape from their holding cell when Fury turns his glass eye into a grenade to blow out the wall! Again, I have no words...

Anyway, long story short, there's the big end of film punch-up you'd expect. Val and her team take out Werner's gang in a matter of seconds with Val shooting Werner before he can activate the missiles. Fury meanwhile gets his confrontation with Viper. Zola attempts to shoot him but, in one of the more amusing Marvel film deaths, picks up the wrong gun, electrocutes himself and sends his wheelchair flying backwards and out of the castle window!

Viper thinks she's won the battle but it's actually robo-Fury from the start of the film that she's killed (wait a sec, so how did they manage to get that into the building without anyone seeing? My head hurts...) She tries to activate the missiles remotely but Kate saves the day by doing a mind-read on her and getting the abort code. The battle's won but Viper escapes with her dad, who's now defrosted, with the two of them swearing vengenance on Fury and SHIELD... However, the sequel/series never came about meaning thankfully we were spared more of her painful over-acting...

File this one in the "so bad it's actually almost good" category. Yes, "Nick Fury - Agent of SHIELD" is unapologetically a B-movie but if you ignore Sandra Hess' ridiculously OTT and annoying villain, there's actually a bit of a low-budget goofball charm about the whole thing. Hoff is unashamedly hamming it up and the action sequences are so daft that they actually become entertaining albeit probably not in the way the producers were expecting (see also "Captain America 2: Death Too Soon" from a few months back). If nothing else, this film'll give you a few belly laughs to while away your evening and that's more than can be said for a few of the other low-budget efforts on this list.

FINAL RATING: 🔫🔫🔫🔫 (4/10)

CURRENT MARVEL FILM TABLE

1. Men In Black (1997) (8/10)
2. The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988) (6/10)
3. Conan The Barbarian (1982) (6/10)
4. Conan The Destroyer (1984) (6/10)
5. The Trial Of The Incredible Hulk (1989) (6/10)
6. Doctor Mordrid (1992) (5/10)
7. The Punisher (1989) (5/10)
8. Doctor Strange (1978) (5/10)
9. Nick Fury: Agent Of SHIELD (1998) (4/10)
10. The Fantastic Four (1994) (4/10)
11. Red Sonja (1985) (4/10)
12. Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (1979) (4/10)
13. Spiderman (1977) (4/10)
14. The Death Of The Incredible Hulk (1990) (3/10)
15. Spiderman: The Dragon's Challenge (1979) (3/10)
16. Howard The Duck (1986) (2/10)
17. Captain America (1990) (2/10)
18. Captain America (1979) (2/10)
19. Generation X (1996) (2/10)
20. Spiderman Strikes Back (1978) (2/10)

NEXT WEEK: Back to the big budget stuff as Wesley Snipes goes off hunting vampires...

Marvel Mondays #19 - Men In Black (1997)

Confession - unlike the 18 films we've reviewed so far in this blog, Men In Black (based on a comic by Marvel imprint Malibu) was a film I actually DID see at the cinema when it was first out. Based on a comic from Marvel imprint Malibu, this film is almost unique in terms of the blog so far in that it was a) a seriously big money effort and b) actually a success at the box office (probably only the first Conan film can halfway lay a claim to those accolades out of the 18 films we've reviewed here previously). Anyway, I first saw this film as an 18-year-old way way way back in 1997 and enjoyed it but I have to admit to having not seen it pretty much since then. So, the $64,000 question - how has it held up over the last 20 years? And yes, saying that really does make me feel old...

Truth is, it's held up pretty well. If you're familiar with the more recent Marvel films then this is probably the first one that really bears any kind of resemblance to the modern day ones with snappy dialogue, a decent plot, some cool special FX and generally being an enjoyable watch.

Unlike the B-movies we've reviewed so far, I'm not gonna go too far into plot spoilers as I'm guessing that either a) you've seen it already and b) hopefully if not, you might check it out based on this review and I don't wanna give stuff away. The basic plot though is that the film follows the titular MIB, a government organisation monitoring extra-terrestrials on Earth. The film starts with two of them, K (Tommy Lee Jones) and D (all of them have one letter names y'see) interrupting a Mexican lorry trying to cross the Rio Grande with some immigrants on board. Deducing that one of them is actually an alien, they take him away from the border patrol guards to take him into custody. However, one of the guards, sensing something isn't right, follows them over the hill and nearly gets eaten by the alien. D tries to fire his gun but is too hesitant leaving K to turn the alien into goo. An MIB team arrives shortly afterwards and use a neuraliser (a sort of stick-shaped camera device) to wipe the guards' short term memories while they clean up the site. Afterwards, D and K have a chat and D decides that he's too old to do this job anymore. At his request, K neuralises him and heading back to New York to look for a new partner.

Among those at the trials is an NYPD officer James Edwards (Will Smith) who's been on the MIB's radar after apprehending a super-fast alien a couple of days before. He manages to pass the tests ahead of reps from the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines and becomes K's new partner J.

Meanwhile, out in the sticks, a vicious alien bug crashes on a farm, killing the redneck who owns it (Vincent D'Onofrio who would later turn up as Wilson Fisk in the Daredevil TV series) and using his skin as a disguise. He heads to the city and kills a couple of aliens disguised as humans in an Italian restaurant - it turns out that these were Rosenberg, an Arquillian prince, and his chief servant. The bug is searching for a galaxy which J, K and the coroner Laurel (Linda Fiorentino) find out from his dying words is on Orion's belt. But can they get to it (and prevent the Arquillians from destroying the Earth) before the giant cockroach does?...

Along the way we get rocket cars riding upside down in tunnels, aliens disguised as pugs, miniature guns which fire with the power of a bazooka and a fun old joyride of a film which still holds up well today. Smith, Jones and Fiorentino all put in good performances while D'Onofrio is suitably menacing (not to mention disgusting) as the slowly decomposing farmer/bug.

I won't go into too many more details with the plot as I think this is a movie well worth tracking down and watching for yourself if you haven't already and suffice to say it pretty much cruises it straight to the top of this list. It's also a significant moment here - the first time Marvel gave the green light to a big budget film that wasn't just a decent movie but also a box office smash as well (it cost $90 million to make but grossed over six times that) and it was a portent of what was to come - slowly the B-movies and straight-to-TV adaptations we've become used to would fizzle out and Marvel movies would become the big blockbuster events we all know and love today. There's still a few bumps to negotiate on this particular road before we hit the MCU films but suffice to say we're on our way now.

Needless to say, following the success of the MIB, there were two sequels made and we'll cover them in good time on this blog. Next week though, we're back for one last trip into Marvel B-movie waters with the first appearance of the Agents of SHIELD on this blog. But suffice to say, it's not exactly the same as the TV series...

FINAL RATING: 👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽 (8/10)

CURRENT MARVEL FILM TABLE

1. Men In Black (1997) (8/10)
2. The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988) (6/10)
3. Conan The Barbarian (1982) (6/10)
4. Conan The Destroyer (1984) (6/10)
5. The Trial Of The Incredible Hulk (1989) (6/10)
6. Doctor Mordrid (1992) (5/10)
7. The Punisher (1989) (5/10)
8. Doctor Strange (1978) (5/10)
9. The Fantastic Four (1994) (4/10)
10. Red Sonja (1985) (4/10)
11. Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (1979) (4/10)
12. Spiderman (1977) (4/10)
13. The Death Of The Incredible Hulk (1990) (3/10)
14. Spiderman: The Dragon's Challenge (1979) (3/10)
15. Howard The Duck (1986) (2/10)
16. Captain America (1990) (2/10)
17. Captain America (1979) (2/10)
18. Generation X (1996) (2/10)
19. Spiderman Strikes Back (1978) (2/10)

NEXT WEEK: Before there was Samuel L Jackson there was...The Hoff!

Marvel Mondays #18: Generation X (1996)

Think the history of the X-Men in live action films started with the first film in 2000? Think again. Four years earlier in 1996, Fox came up with the idea for a TV series based on the Marvel X-Men offshoot "Generation X" about Professior Xavier's academy for trainee X-Men with Stan Lee on board as an advisor. A feature length episode was shot and released as a TV movie to test the waters. However, it failed to take off and the project was canned. The reason why was, in short, that it sucked. Which, having tortured myself for 90 minutes by watching it for this blog, I can confirm. And if you're looking for the longer version, keep on reading...

"Generation X", as with the X-Men franchise, is set in a world where a small number of humans experience genetic mutations as they hit puberty and become ostracised from society as a result. While the government's policy is to send them to "mutant camps" to be straightened out, the X-Men leader and general philanthropist Dr Charles Xavier runs an academy which tries to rescue as many kids who get picked up as possible and encourage them to harness their abilities and use them for good. At the start of the film, we see two new students, Jubilee and Skin, joining the academy. Skin, who has stretchy limbs a la Reed Richards from Fantastic Four, has volunteered himself to join the academy while Jubilee, who can shoot fireworks from her hands, is rescued from police custody after being arrested when her abilities go haywire at a local amusement arcade.

The academy is run by two lesser X-Men, White Queen (who has the power of telepathy) and Banshee (who can emit a scream that immobilises everyone within a 100 yard radius) with other students including Refrax (who can shoot lasers from his eyes), Buff (who has a huge muscle mass which she's incredibly embarrassed about and usually covers up by wearing loose clothes), Mondo (who can make his skin take on the properties of any substance he touches) and M (the group's nominal ringleader who has super intelligence and strength and invulnerability to weapons attacks).

We also find out that the arcade that Jubilee was arrested in was being run by a mind control expert (and former colleague of White Queen's) called Dr Tresh played by Matt Frewer. This guy is probably the single most annoying villain I've encountered in the 18 weeks I've been doing this blog so far, over-acting to a ridiculous extent and basically coming off like a hyperactive Aldi Jim Carrey. I accept that this is meant to make us hate him but it's what's known in wrestling as "go away heat" in that it doesn't make you think "yeah, I really can't wait to see this guy get his when the X-Men get him", more "please just get off my screen now and never return you irritating t**t of a man". Apparently he's been using his powers to put subliminal messages into Virtua Fighter video games to get people to buy them. Well, at least it explains why that terrible game was so popular at the time I s'pose...

As the two new kids at the academy, Jubilee and Skin end up becoming friends as they try to fit in with the initially reluctant other mutants at the academy. The pair also have an interest in a dream technology and, after several failed attempts, Skin manages to hack into the room at the academy where the technology is held.

It turns out that this is the same machine that Tresh was helping White Queen with previously but he was thrown off the experiment for unethical conduct including trying to kidnap a mutant so he could slice their brain open and steal their powers. He's now working in advertising and trying to sell his way of manipulating people's thoughts by being able to enter their dreams. His take is that this can be used to influence peoples' consumer interests and allow corporations to sell whatever they want to the general public. However, even the bunch of big capitalist scumbags that he makes this presentation to find this idea beyond the pale and order his boss Bob to shut him down.

Tresh, however, isn't taking no for an answer and infiltrates Bob's dream that night causing him to sleepwalk and jump out of a window to his death. He's also realised that there are mutants accessing his "dream world" and decides to try and capture one to reactivate his experiment from years ago.

The students are occasionally allowed to go into the local town on the proviso that they stay away from any confrontation with the local kids and don't give anything away regarding their superpowers. However, on his first trip into town, Skin ends up making eyes at a local college girl resulting in her fratboy mates shoving his face into a banana split in the local diner. We also find out that Refrax has a crush on Buff but, contrary to his normally cocky persona, is shy about asking her out.

That night, Skin and Jubilee decide to activate the machine and see what they can do with it. During their trips into the dream world, both of them encounter Tresh. Jubilee sensibly runs away from the maniac as fast as she can but he befriends Skin by promising him the ability to enter the dreams of the girl he met in town earlier that day. However, while they're having the conversation, the police have burst into Tresh's flat and unplugged him from the dream world. He's about to be sucked up into a vortex and oblivion but Skin uses his stretchy limbs to grab him and bring him back to the dream world leaving him still alive but trapped in limbo.

The next week, the students go to town to visit the local carnival. While M is cleaning up on the strength machines, Buff and Refrax get to spend some quality time together. However, just as they're engaging in some back seat activity in the car, Refrax's full mutant ability kicks in giving him X-ray vision. This freaks him out and he suggests the two of them go back to join the others. Unfortunately, Buff overhears him talking to Mondo about this shortly afterwards and promptly dumps him.

Meanwhile, Skin has run into the girl he fancies and goes off for a walk with her. However, on returning to the fairground, the fratboys who beat him up earlier make an appearance and threaten him leading to Mondo, Refrax, M and Jubilee to get involved and the police to be called.

Back at the academy, White Queen is ready to expel all the students for their part in the fracas but Banshee persuades her to give them one more chance and instead, all six of them are grounded. This doesn't stop Skin still sneaking into the lab to use the dreamworld machine to go and see his girlfriend. However, he's interrupted by Tresh who orders him to repay him for introducing the two of them by bringing him back from the dreamworld or else he'll haunt the dreams of Skin and all his friends and family forevermore.

Suitably threatened, Skin goes to the mental hospital where Tresh is lying in a coma and uses the technology to bring him back. However, Tresh promptly kidnaps Skin and takes him to his lab to be operated on. Trying to unlock his full ability, Skin manages to use telekinesis to create an image of himself in Jubilee's room and get her to send for help.

Cue the big confrontation between the students plus White Queen and Banshee and Tresh. Refrax also takes the opportunity to apologise to Buff and tell her that he loves her in case they don't come back. As it happens, the students manage to defeat Tresh fairly easily with Skin eventually knocking him over the edge into an abyss before using his stretchy arm to rescue himself.

Back at the academy, White Queen and Banshee tell the students that they've redeemed themselves and they get some new superhero costumes as modelled by the now-much-more-confident Buff. Tresh meanwhile is left back in a coma, forever falling through the dream dimension...

Well there's no two ways about it, this film was dreadful and it really shows just how far the whole Marvel films concept had sunk before the next few films we're due to review arrested what was arguably a terminal decline. The idea of crossing X-Men with Harry Potter might have had some legs but the script on "Generation X" was terrible, the acting veered between trying to make the best of a bad situation to downright lousy (especially the ultra-annoying Frewer as described earlier) and the whole thing just feels cheap, low-rent and will-this-do. It was a very close-run thing as to whether this was going to go bottom of the table but the fact that it missed out is more a testament to how utterly meritless "Spiderman Strikes Back" is than any sort of redeeming qualities on its part. Quite simply, avoid like the plague and thank your lucky stars I'm watching these things to save you the reader having to do the same!

FINAL RATING: ⦻⦻ (2/10)

CURRENT MARVEL FILM TABLE

1. The Incredible Hulk Returns (1988) (6/10)
2. Conan The Barbarian (1982) (6/10)
3. Conan The Destroyer (1984) (6/10)
4. The Trial Of The Incredible Hulk (1989) (6/10)
5. Doctor Mordrid (1992) (5/10)
6. The Punisher (1989) (5/10)
7. Doctor Strange (1978) (5/10)
8. The Fantastic Four (1994) (4/10)
9. Red Sonja (1985) (4/10)
10. Captain America 2: Death Too Soon (1979) (4/10)
11. Spiderman (1977) (4/10)
12. The Death Of The Incredible Hulk (1990) (3/10)
13. Spiderman: The Dragon's Challenge (1979) (3/10)
14. Howard The Duck (1986) (2/10)
15. Captain America (1990) (2/10)
16. Captain America (1979) (2/10)
17. Generation X (1996) (2/10)
18. Spiderman Strikes Back (1978) (2/10)

NEXT WEEK: A Marvel film that you might actually have heard of and is quite good! Cue Will Smith and his dancing...